


Basement Safari

by sonofthanatos



Category: South Park
Genre: Action/Adventure, Humor, Jealous Craig Tucker, Pre-Relationship, Silly, Truth or Dare
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-19
Updated: 2020-11-27
Packaged: 2021-03-09 17:55:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27630350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sonofthanatos/pseuds/sonofthanatos
Summary: Craig and those guys go hunting in Tweek's basement.
Relationships: Craig Tucker/Tweek Tweak
Comments: 27
Kudos: 116





	1. Preparations

Tweek sat next to Jimmy on Token’s bed, twitching nervously. Clyde sat backwards on the desk chair while Token sat on the floor, and Craig paced in front of them like a general addressing his troops. The wall behind them was lit up by the glow of a Powerpoint presentation.

“Alright men, let’s review our arsenal.” Craig looked at the pile in the center of the room. “We have 4 nerf guns, 2 baseball bats, one hockey stick, one goalie net, 3 bug nets, one largefishing net, and a lacrosse stick. Now, here’s our mission!” Craig dramatically pulled a Red Racer ruler out of his pocked and pointed at the list that now seemed to be running down Token’s wall while he clicked the mouse on the computer, and the image of a garden gnome appeared. “Target: the underpants gnomes!” The other boys leaned forward eagerly.

“Oh Jesus,” Tweek squeaked, staring at the wall in horror. More information appeared as Craig continued clicking the mouse. “Names: unknown. Height: approximately 6 inches.” Click. “Appearance: small creatures with pointy hats.” Click. “Mission: collecting underpants!” Craig paused dramatically, letting them stare at the picture of underwear on the wall. “Their reason is unknown. According to our source-”

“You mean Tweek.” Clyde grinned at the smaller boy. Tweek squeaked again and twitched anxiously.

“Tweek’s the only one who’s seen them.” Craig reminded him. “According to Tweek, they show up every night at approximately 3:30 AM. We don’t know where they come from, or where they go.”

“They sing, too!” Tweek shrieked, unable to stay quiet any longer. “They have a song about stealing underpants!”

“Can we hear the song?” Clyde asked eagerly.

“I want to hear it!” Token agreed.

“Yeah, Tweek. S-s-s-sing for us!” Jimmy chimed in. They nudged Tweek, grinning eagerly.

Unfortunately, Tweek didn’t know them well enough to get that they were kidding. “OH JESUS THAT’S TOO MUCH PRESSURE!”

“With luck we’ll hear it tonight.” Craig told them firmly, subtly warning them to back off. “This is what we’re gonna do.” He clicked the mouse again and a crude drawing of Tweek’s basement appeared. It was a simple basement, with one window looking onto the front lawn. Tweek had carefully marked on the picture small holes and cracks that might secretly be gnome portals; despite his best efforts he had never quite figured out where the gnomes came in. “We don’t know how they get into the house, so we’re going to set a trap and lure them to the basement. We’ll move these boxes to the center of the room and pile Tweek’s underwear on top of them. Jimmy, you’ll hide under the stairs with the fishing net; as soon as they’re in position you attack. Remember, we only need one, so don’t worry about catching too many at once. Clyde, Token, you’ll stand here-“ Craig pointed the ruler at a corner underneath a table. “-so be ready to block the stairs if they try to run. We’ll set up the hockey net in front of the window to block it, and Tweek and I will be hiding behind the tower of coffee cans and the big buddha statue to help corner them. Token, Clyde, and I will all have bug nets, and Tweek will be ready with a nerf gun to herd them in the right direction. We’ll divide up the other weapons later, but Tweek doesn’t think they’re actually violent.”

“They’ve never hurt me.” Tweek acknowledged shakily. “They just come in, steal my underpants, and disappear.”

“Shouldn’t we just wait in Tweek’s room?” Token suggested. “We know they come there anyways.”

“It’s too small and there are too many hiding places.” Craig answered, thinking of the mess of legos and old coffee cups that littered Tweek’s bedroom. “We’ll be crashing into each other and they’ll be able to hide in vents or underneath cups or in piles of laundry and sneak around and under the bed. In the basement it’ll be a lot trickier for them. We’ll be in all the good hiding spots so they won’t have a choice but to move openly.”

“OH JESUS!” Tweek screeched. “Who knows what these things are going to do?! What if they kill you all?! What if they take YOUR underpants too?!”

“We have lots.” Clyde told him brightly. “Besides, I’m willing to sacrifice for the cause!”

“Less clothes means it’s easier to get in bed with the l-l-l-l-get in bed with the l-ladies."

“Ok.” Craig nodded decisively. “I think we’re set. Tomorrow, we’re sleeping over at Tweek’s house.” He slowly turned and locked eyes with each of his friends, emphasizing the importance of their quest. “Our mission: capture an underpants gnome!”

“OH JESUS AAAAAHHH!”

Tweek raced around his house frantically, trying to find and hide anything too embarrassing to be shown. His mind quickly ran through a list; he had already hidden the pagan fertility statuettes, his baby pictures, and the Hindu statue with a swastika on it. He had already begged his parents not to destroy his life. They had smiled and promised him but that meant little; his parents tended to think anything Tweek found humiliating was a cute story. His eyes fell on a picture of him swimming naked and he immediately grabbed it and hid it in a drawer.

His parents were bustling around, obviously excited to have his friends over. His mom was humming to herself and almost dancing as she prepped snacks and breakfast; she had even agreed to get pizza for the occasion so his friends could eat meat. His dad was contentedly putting away their meditation crystals and rolling up the yoga mats; he smiled fondly as he put the candles on the mantle above the fireplace and lighting them to “purify the aura of the house” before everybody showed up. He had insisted on keeping the incense out, and Tweek had agreed after his dad had promised only to light subtle scents like the Golden Sandalwood while his friends were over; he had been terrified his dad would light the Patchouli and drive everybody away.

“So, what are you boys going to be up to tonight?” His mom asked suddenly, smiling down at him. “Any fun and exciting plans?”

“They’re going to help me capture an underpants gnome!” Tweek blurted out. “We’re going to PROVE they’re real!”

“Oh really?” His dad looked over with a grin. “You’re going on a gnome hunt? You know they have the laoyout of your room memorized.”

“Yeah, but we have a plan!” Tweek said excitedly. “We’re going to lure them to the basement, then use sports stuff to trap them in place!”

His dad’s grin widened. “That’s a great idea, Tweek! Just make sure to keep your friend’s underpants safe as well!”

“OH JESUS! WE’LL HIDE THEM AWAY OR SOMETHING!” Tweek shrieked, panicking all over again at the thought of his friends being mad about losing their underpants to the gnomes. His parents had luckily installed locks throughout the house when they were worried about kidnappers, so he could at least hide them in one of the bathroom cupboards or something; with any luck the gnomes would never search there.

“It’ll be fine, sweetheart.” His mom told him, giving his dad a firm look. Tweek looked at her in confusion, wondering why she never seemed as worried about the gnomes as his dad was.

Tweek hesitated, then pulled out the list he had carefully written in school. “I made rules for tonight.”

His dad took the list and made a point of studying it carefully while his mom read over his shoulder; they carefully studied the messy writing like a code. His mom looked pensive while his dad just looked amused while he read out loud. “No photo albums, no offering meditations, don’t cleanse their auras, no baby stories…why don’t you just gag us for the night?” His dad seemed like he was trying hard not to laugh.

“PLEASE!” Tweek wailed. “THEY’RE MY FRIENDS, PLEASE DON’T SCARE THEM AWAY! GAAAAAHHHHH!”

His mom hugged him. “It’ll be fine, sweetheart. We won’t embarrass you.” Looking back at the list, she tilted her head. “Don’t mention the time I tried to shower in the rain, don’t talk about the time the Ghost of Human Kindness tried to kidnap me, no safety drills about kidnappers, nuclear war, or the rapture, don’t mention the time I threatened Steven Spielberg with a bazooka…” As they continued to study the list, Tweek snuck off down to the basement. ~~~~

Craig had come over after their briefing yesterday and helped him set everything up and move the various storage bins and boxes from around the room into the middle. His mom had done their laundry that day, so Tweek had piles of clean underpants to lure the gnomes into position. Tweek growled to himself as he thought of all his missing underpants that his parents kept replacing; he was determined to put an end to it tonight.

The sound of the doorbell interrupted his thoughts. Tweek charged upstairs, his socked feet skidding on the hardwood floors before he caught himself. To his horror, his dad was at the door.

“Hello, Jimmy. Welcome to our home! I was just about to set a pineapple outside the door.”

“Wh-w-w-what?” Jimmy sounded too confused to even crack a joke about it right off the bat.

“It represents hospitality and welcome.” His dad explained cheerfully.

Tweek shot forward anxiously, and managed to get to the front door where he quickly cut his dad off, saying “GAH HIJIMMY!” as he skidded to a stop.

Looking over Jimmy’s shoulder, Tweek could see how Clyde and Craig were unloading all the equipment from the back of Mr. Tucker’s pickup truck.

“Hey Tweek.” Jimmy gave him a toothy grin and hobbled forward, a backpack and sleeping bag on his shoulders. Tweek hesitated, not sure what to do, but Jimmy settled it by putting his things down.

“It sure is super of you to help Tweek with the gnomes.” His dad commented, picking up Jimmy’s things. “I’ll take these upstairs for you.”

“No Dad, we’re sleeping in the basement!” Tweek protested.

His dad smiled indulgently. “Pardon me, Your Royal Highness.”

Tweek flushed red at his dad’s teasing while his mom hurried forward to meet the boys at the door. Clyde and Craig joined them at the same time, dragging their arsenal behind them.

“Hello boys. Welcome to our home!” She told them brightly. “Are you hungry? Would you like any coffee?”

“N-n-no thanks.” Jimmy answered, looking around curiously.

Clyde carefully lifted the hockey net over the threshold, Craig following behind him with the lacrosse stick and nerf gun. Mr. and Mrs. Tucker looked amused at the sight of the kids carefully bringing in all their equipment, after dumping two more sleeping bags and backpacks on the floor.

“All right boys, be careful with that.” Mrs. Tucker told them fondly.

“What are you trying to do anyways?” Mr. Tucker asked.

“We’re going to capture these gnomes that steal Tweek’s underwear.” Clyde told him happily as Tweek’s dad rejoined them at the door.

“Oh.” Thomas looked vaguely disappointed; Tweek remembered Craig saying that his dad thought they were going to stage their own Olympics or something.

“Don’t ‘Oh’ him!” Mrs. Tucker scolded him lightly.

“Yeah, don’t ‘oh’ my friend!” Craig snapped.

“I’ll ‘oh’ whoever I wanna ‘oh’!” Mr. Tucker shot back. All three flipped each other off.

Tweek and his parents looked stunned, but the Tuckers simply hugged Craig goodbye and left, promising to pick all three boys up in the morning. Clyde and Jimmy didn’t even acknowledge the weirdness, they seemed to think kids and parents flipping each other off was perfectly normal.

“Come on guys, let’s check out the basement!” Clyde told them. Tweek shook his head and helped them carry everything down, his dad trailing curiously behind them.

“So this is the great gnome trap?” Tweek’s dad asked, studying the pile of boxes.

“Yeah. We’re going to pile underwear on top of it and try to corner them.”

“Good luck!” They could hear the laughter in his voice as he went upstairs again. Voices sounded, and a minute later, Token appeared at the door, grinning eagerly as he hurried to join his friends.

Working quickly, the boys set up their nets and scouted out the good positions under the stairs and in the corners, behind strategically placed boxes and under a table. Then, they stampeded upstairs to Tweek’s room, and pillaged his underwear drawer. They made their way carefully down the stairs, each of them holding pairs of underpants in their hands or pockets; Jimmy dropped a pair on his way down and Clyde grabbed them. Tweek solemnly gathered the underwear from his friends and piled it in the middle of the room.

“Ok, so they’ll come about 3:30 in the morning.” Token studied the trap. “We should set an alarm to make sure we’re awake.”

“Should we synchronize our watches?” Clyde asked.

“We’re not w-w-w-wearing w-watches.” Jimmy pointed out.

“Should we put watches on?” Token looked concerned. “I left mine at home!”

Before they could answer, Tweek’s dad opened the door and stuck his head in. “Boys, pizza’s here!”

Clyde gobbled down his slice of pepperoni eagerly. He had been worried the Tweaks would make him eat vegetarian food, but he couldn’t survive on just vegetables. His eyes flew over his friends, noting that Craig had deliberately put himself between him and Tweek again. This was getting a little annoying; did Craig seriously think he would hurt Tweek or something?

With a mental shrug, Clyde looked over at Tweaks parents. “Have you two ever seen the gnomes?” He asked curiously. He couldn’t wait to see these things.

Mr. Tweak’s eyes sparkled. “Oh, I know all about them. So tell me, what kind of traps are you planning to use?”

As Clyde eagerly began describing their setup, Mr. Tweak lit up and began offering ideas. “Have you thought about putting underwear like a trail to lure them to the basement? Or leaving the lights off so that you can take them totally by surprise?”

Token and Jimmy weren’t even listening; they were talking to Mrs. Tweak about something else. But Tweek had eagerly jumped into the conversation, making some really good suggestions of his own. “We should have somebody hide inside the box too, that way we can take them totally by surprise!”

“That should be you then, you’re the smallest of us.” Clyde pointed out.

“Oh JESUS, this is getting too real!” Tweek squawked. His dad laughed indulgently as his mom poured Tweek more coffee.

“It’s going to be fine, Tweek. We’ll get those gnomes or die trying!” Clyde announced dramatically. Tweek’s lips twitched at his theatrics. Clyde couldn’t help but notice, though, that Craig was looking sourly at him again for some reason. He looked back at the taller boy in confusion, and to his surprise Craig seemed almost embarrassed as he turned away. Clyde studied him, frowning. What was going on with Craig lately? It was like every time he talked to Tweek Craig wanted to beat him up.


	2. Truth or Dare

With dinner finished, the boys returned to the basement. They set up their sleeping bags and set their phone alarms for 3 AM, and did one final review of the traps. Craig paraded around like a general again as Clyde and Token practiced shoving boxes in the path as obstacles and going after targets with their nets. Mr. Tweak had come down to help them set up, smiling indulgently as he used a hook in the ceiling as a pulley to hold the basket and shown Jimmy how to raise and lower it quickly.

“I think we’re set.” Token observed.

Jimmy nodded, leaning against the wall. Clyde lounged back on his sleeping bag, studying Craig thoughtfully. His best friend had made quite a spectacle as he had almost knocked Clyde to the ground trying to get between him and Tweek for the night. He waited until the others headed upstairs to make a trail of some kind to the basement to lure the gnomes, then caught Craig’s arm before he could follow.

“Dude…” He hesitated as Craig looked at him. “What’s with you?”

“What?”

“I’m not bugging Tweek or anything, and he’s not scared of me, but you keep looking like you want to beat me up every time I talk to him. It’s like that time I tried to pet Stripe and you almost threw me out your window.”

Craig flinched. Clyde waited, and after a moment, Craig spoke softly. “I don’t know.” Clyde was surprised at that; Craig was usually so decisive about things. “I don’t know why it bugs me so much. Honest.” He hesitated again, then added “I’m sorry. I’m not trying to be a dick.”

Clyde nodded. “No worries.” He offered a fist and Craig fist-bumped him as the others came back down.

“We left a few pairs of underwear on the stairs and by the basement door, that should get them.” Token announced as he, Jimmy and Tweek returned. They settled on their sleeping bags contentedly.

“So, Clyde?” Clyde’s eyebrows raised as Craig spoke to him. “Truth or dare?”

Clyde grinned. “Dare.”

Craig looked at him for a moment. “I dare you to try to moonwalk across the floor.”

Clyde shrugged and stood up. The other guys cheered him on as he struggled to move backwards; his legs caught on something, and he tripped and fell into the boxes. As if on cue, Jimmy lunged for the rope that activated one of the traps and the laundry basket crashed down on top of him.

“Got him!” Jimmy cheered.

Token hurried forward and held the basket down as Clyde tried to escape, giggling. “Tweek, help me!” He wailed.

Tweek giggled but shook his head. Token managed to get Clyde onto his knees and sat on top of the basket, holding Clyde in place as Clyde tried to shake him off. Clyde shook his head and laughed inside his prison. “Ok, play it that way. Tweek, truth or dare?”

Tweek squeaked in surprise. “Truth?” He asked hesitantly.

Clyde thought furiously. “What’s your biggest fear?”

Tweek turned a brilliant shade of red. “GAH I don’t know!” They could almost see the wheels turning in his head.

Clyde hesitated. “Do you want me to ask something else?” He offered.

“OH JESUS! No, I…I’m…I’m afraid my parents will sell me into slavery.” He admitted.

Clyde stared open-mouthed at Tweek, noticing vaguely that the others were doing the same thing. Even Craig seemed thrown. Would his parents seriously do that? None of them seemed to know what to say.

After a moment, Tweek said, “Craig, truth or dare?”

“Truth.” Craig answered flatly. Clyde wondered for a moment if Craig believed that the Tweaks would sell Tweek.

Tweek’s eyes sparkled; he looked grateful for the change in subject. “If you had three wishes, what would they be?”

Craig seemed to think about the question. “I’d wish my parents had more money, I’d wish for a cool car when I turn 16, and…” he faltered, seeming to think about it. After a moment, he spoke; Clyde had the impression that he was choosing his words very carefully. “I would wish that if I liked somebody, they’d like me back.”

“That’s the s-s-s-second time you’ve hinted that you have a c-c-c-you have a c-c-crush.” Jimmy commented, leaning forward eagerly; they could almost see his ears prick as his inner journalist emerged. “Come on, C-c-craig. Who’s the mystery lady?”

“Is it Bebe?” Clyde asked.

“Or Principal Victoria?” Token suggested, grinning.

Craig took a deep breath, and spoke clearly and carefully. “I’m choosing not to be a part of this. Token, truth or dare?”

They were all stunned at Craig’s flat refusal to discuss his crush, but to his credit Token moved on with the game. “Dare.”

“I dare you to do 10 push-ups.”

Token lay down and began pushing his body up and down, the others counting carefully and debating whether or not each push-up was good enough. Clyde took the opportunity to escape from the laundry basket, and Jimmy set the trap back up.

Once Token was done, he looked at Jimmy. “Jimmy, truth or dare?”

“Dare!” Jimmy made it sound like a challenge.

“I dare you to text Wendy Testaburger but only type with your nose!”

Grinning, Jimmy pulled out his phone and held it to his face, pressing down with his nose and laughing at the unintelligible mess that resulted. With autocorrect, it said “Y to feel yum to h b”.

“What was it supposed to say?” Tweek asked, giggling.

“H-h-h-how’s it going?”

They all laughed as he sent the text. A moment later, Wendy responded with “Stop butt-texting me.”

Jimmy grinned widely as he surveyed his friends. “Tweek, truth or dare?”

Tweek’s eyes widened. “Truth!” He said quickly.

Jimmy’s smile widened. “You get naked a lot. Would you pose naked for magazines if you had the chance?”

Tweek turned a brilliant shade of red. “No way, man! That is WAY too much pressure!”

Jimmy cackled at the look on Tweek’s face. Obviously desperate to get the attention off of himself, Tweek almost shrieked “Craig, truth or dare!”

“Truth.” Craig answered; he seemed calmer now than he was when they were discussing slavery.

“Who do you think is the cutest person in our class?”

Craig’s mouth opened and closed, but no sound emerged. The other guys all leaned forward eagerly.

“Nice one, dude!” Jimmy grinned appreciatively at Tweek.

“Come on Craig, who is she?” Clyde demanded.

“Yeah Craig, let’s hear it!” Token encouraged him. “You know about me and Nichole, Clyde and Bebe, Jimmy and his right hand,” Jimmy flipped him off, “Who’s your big crush we keep getting hints about?”

“Dare.” Craig responded.

Silence descended for a moment. Clyde was absolutely shocked, and he could tell the others were too; they had always talked about their various crushes. Why was Craig so quiet about this? For a long moment, nobody could speak. Craig fidgeted, not looking at them and waiting for somebody to talk.

“Hey, Craig, we’re just teasing.” Clyde told him, feeling guilty. He had never seen Craig so flustered before. “Tweek can ask something else.”

“Are you ok?” Tweek asked softly, looking upset. “GAH! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…GAH PLEASE DON’T HATE ME!”

To everybody’s total shock, Craig suddenly smiled reassuringly at Tweek. “I’m fine, it’s nothing. I’m not mad and I don’t hate you, it’s just…I want to do a dare instead.”

Tweek still looked uncertain, but Clyde hurried forward and whispered into Tweek’s ear. “Dare him to let you give him a wedgie.”

Looking relieved, Tweek said, “I dare you to let me give you a wedgie.”

Craig glared at Clyde in annoyance - he’d definitely heard him suggest it. Clyde knew he’d pay for that, but at least it didn’t feel so awkward anymore. “All right, fine.” Rolling his eyes, he stood up and lifted his shirt with a resigned sigh. “Go for it, Tweek.”

Tweek hesitated, but at the encouraging looks from the others he grabbed Craig’s underwear and hoisted it up his back. The taller boy gasped and jumped as Tweek pulled as hard as he could for a moment, then let go. Clyde was laughing hysterically at the sight while Jimmy and Token were snorting with laughter, both burying their faces in their pillows as they giggled madly.

“Was that OK, Craig? Was that a good wedgie?” Tweek asked uncertainly. Clyde howled with laughter at the innocent way Tweek asked.

Craig fixed himself, then patted Tweek’s shoulder reassuringly. “Good job Tweek.” He looked at Clyde, his expression much less friendly. “Clyde, truth or dare?” He challenged.

Clyde hesitated, suddenly afraid of Craig’s revenge. He knew either way this would be humiliating. On the other hand, Tweek still looked nervous, so he may as well give him something to laugh about. “Dare.”

Craig’s eyes narrowed evilly. After a moment, he spoke again. “I dare you to let us pick a new profile for your Facebook page.”

Clyde’s eyes widened, but he reluctantly handled over his phone. Tweek watched with interest as Craig, Jimmy, and Token looked through their own phones for pictures and argued amongst themselves for a few minutes.

“What about the one of him twerking from the last sleepover?”

“Or this one of him dancing with a broom?”

“How about the one of h-h-him trying ballet d-d-d-d-ballet d-dance?”

“No, this one!”

Clyde’s heart raced as they looked over the most embarrassing pictures of him before they finally agreed. Jimmy texted something to Clyde's phone and Craig fiddled with it. A minute later, Craig handed his phone back and Clyde frantically opened his profile, Tweek looking over his shoulder curiously.

The picture was of him at the beach last summer; the chair he was in had broken under him and he got stuck in it, his butt on the sand and his legs pinned to his chest. He was crying and two lifeguards were struggling to get him out again.

Clyde’s face turned bright red, but Tweek giggled madly next to him.


	3. Under Attack

Token’s eyes flew open as the alarm on his phone blared loudly. He sat up slowly, yawning as he looked around. Tweek was sitting in a foldable camping chair, one leg underneath him and the other tapping the floor nervously as he twitched. His face was lit up by the glare of his phone screen, and Token wondered if he had even slept.

Token yawned loudly as he stretched, slowly pulling himself to his feet as Tweek’s eyes flew to him. “Dude, I’m so tired.” He punctuated his comment with another yawn.

Tweek twitched again and looked at their traps anxiously. “The gnomes are gonna be here soon! GAAAH!”

Well, that woke Token up a bit more.

Jimmy was slowly coming awake, grabbing for his crutches and yawning, while Craig just sat up looking bored. Clyde moaned unhappily as he slowly tried to wake up. “Why are we all awaaaake?” The last word was drawn out as Clyde yawned.

“The gnomes are coming soon.” Token reminded them. Tweek twitched unhappily again at the reminder as he stood and turned on the main lights.

Clyde and Craig slowly crept out of their sleeping bags, while Jimmy reached for his crutches and began struggling to get to his feet, yawning. Clyde yawned again too, setting off Craig and Token. Tweek alone seemed awake as he sipped more coffee.

“Are we ready?” Clyde asked anxiously, picking up a net and scouting out the room while he headed to his hiding spot. “Tweek, anything else we need to know? You’re the boss here!”

“OHGOD!” Tweek gasped out. “IT’S TOO MUCH PRESSURE!”

“It’s going to be fine.” Craig told him reassuringly. “Clyde, just remember you only need to go for one of the gnomes; we don’t need several, we just want one so we can question it and get answers.”

Token studied Craig curiously, trying to read him. Craig was a good friend, but there was no denying he was an asshole; Token had never seen him trying so hard for anybody.

“Does anybody want coffee?” Tweek asked, pulling out a thermos from under the chair.

“No thanks.” Token answered, shaking his head. Tweek seemed to have coffee within arms reach at all times. Did his friend keep little stashes of coffee it all over his house like a drug addict?

Slowly the boys started heading to their various hiding spots. Token gritted his teeth with determination as Craig went over the plan one final time. “All right, Jimmy, stand here with the net. Be ready to drop it the moment the gnomes attack. Token, Clyde, hide under the table here, be ready to block the stairs on my mark. Tweek, stand here behind the coffee cans. Here’s a nerf gun to help herd them in the right direction. Token, Clyde, here are your nets; remember, we only need one, so don’t worry about capturing a lot of them. If you have one, that’s good, focus on that.” As the boys scattered to their hiding spots, Craig began stacking the sports equipment around the room. “You all have extra weapons within easy reach. All right, everybody say GNOMES!”

“GNOMES!” They all chorused.

“Bring it on, underpants gnomes!” Clyde cheered.

“Let’s d-d-d-do it!” Jimmy announced.

“For underpants everywhere!” Token agreed enthusiastically.

With that, everything got quiet. They looked at their phones to check the time, and then had nothing to do but wait around. As they waited, Token yawned again; across from him he could see Clyde blinking and trying to stay awake, while Jimmy was swaying on his crutches. Tweek and Craig were the only ones who seemed fully awake.

Token had just about drifted off when he heard it through the vents.

_“Time to go to work, work all day, we need underpants HAY!_   
_We won’t stop til we have underpants_   
_Yum tum yummy tum tay!_   
_Time to go to work, work all night, search for underpants HAY!_   
_We won’t stop til we have underpants_   
_Yum tum yummy tum tay!”_

Token’s eyes widened at the high, cartoonish voice singing upstairs. Holy crap! They’re real! They’re actually real! His mind raced as he looked at Tweek again in wonder. Clyde and Jimmy both jerked upright, their eyes wide, and Tweek clapped his hands over his mouth to keep from screaming. Craig just squared his shoulders, with a determined look on his face.

“Don’t fuck this up.” Craig instructed quietly.

Several high voices came through the vents again.

“Where’s the blonde kid?!”

“Where are the underpants?”

“Let’s search the house!”

The floor creaked slightly upstairs; they could hear movement. Token’s eyes narrowed and he gripped his butterfly net tightly. The squeaky voices came through again:

“They’re in the basement!”

“Get ’em!”

“Watch out for the blonde kid!”

The door to the basement jiggled and creaked. Token tried to look over Jimmy’s shoulder, while his friend strained to see the top of the stairs… and then the lights went out.

Everything seemed to happen at once.

Token saw two flashes of light as Clyde and Craig pulled their phones out and tried to open the turn the flashlight function on, but Clyde yelped and dropped his phone as footsteps came running down the stairs. Token swung with his net, feeling it capture something; he lunged forward and tried to take it to the ground. In the weird, techno-like flashes of light, he could dimly make out a figure falling backwards onto the boxes, and one of Jimmy’s crutches swinging. Token focused all his attention on his net; he could feel something struggling frantically within. Everybody was shouting and screaming, boxes were flying; Token’s arm shot out blindly and he felt the velvet fabric of a small gnome hat under his fingertips! He seized it tightly with one hand while holding the net with the other. Suddenly, something large slammed into Token and he fell backwards, still clutching the net. Then something else fell on top of him, and Token screamed for help, suddenly terrified. Did the gnomes have backup? What else was down here?

Someone kicked into him; letting go of the net in his panic, Token grabbed the foot and pushed it away. Everybody was shouting at once, but it was total chaos and he couldn’t understand anybody else.

Then the lights were turned on again. The naked bulb swung crazily over their heads.

Token found himself lying on the ground, with Tweek on top of him; one of Tweek’s feet was in a shoebox and Craig’s legs were wrapped around Tweek, pinning him down. Tweek had both hands in a tight grip around Craig’s ankle, and Token realised that his net was pulled down over Craig’s head and was around his neck. The gnome hat turned out to be Clyde’s shirt collar, while Clyde lay on the ground gasping for air. Jimmy was sprawled across the boxes, his crutches on the ground on either side of him. The laundry basket was over Jimmy’s head, and the nerf gun lay unused nearby.

The basement stairs creaked as Mr. Tweak came down to look in at them, his eyes twinkling with amusement. “You all right, boys? We could hear the screaming and crashing all the way upstairs.”

“Sorry, Mr. Tweak.” Token answered, still laying on the floor; his natural politeness kicked in  
automatically. “We didn’t mean to wake you up.”

Slowly the boys climbed up, looking around. The traps were all laying on the ground, and nerf bullets were scattered on the floor. Clyde pulled Jimmy to his feet and Craig passed his crutches. Tweek was staring at the boxes, like he was figuring something out.

“How was the gnome hunt?” Mr. Tweak asked, grinning widely.

“They got my underpants!” Tweek suddenly screeched.

The boys all looked at once at the blank spot where the underwear had been piled.

“Those were ALL my underpants! The gnomes have them!”

A few hours later, the boys were sitting around a table eagerly biting into breakfast. It was a mixture of vegan food, eggs and meat; vegan pancakes and freshly squeezed orange juice along with bacon, ham, and eggs. Tweek stared unhappily at the pancakes and eggs on his plate, obviously still distraught over their defeat in the basement, while Clyde looked at the bacon like it was the promised land.

“Did you boys have fun last night?” Mr. Tweak asked curiously.

“Yeah, it was awesome!” Clyde answered in between mouthfuls. “We proved that gnomes are real!”

“It was really f-f-f-fun.” Jimmy agreed. “The gnomes b-b-beat us though.” He loaded more ham onto his plate, snickering as he remembered the chaos of the night before. He was considering putting it into the school paper and debating whether to ask Tweek’s parents for an interview.

Token nodded, carefully cutting into his pancakes. “We’ll get them next time!”

“But now I’m all out of underpants!” Tweek wailed, and Craig patted his back reassuringly.

Jimmy watched them curiously. Craig had been so strange lately; he seemed so annoyed with Clyde, but was always smiling at Tweek, and putting so much more effort into their friendship. Maybe Craig was hoping Tweek would help him with his mysterious crush?

That thought screeched to a halt in Jimmy’s mind as he stared at Craig. Wait. Was it possible that…

“Don’t worry, Tweek. We put some more in your underwear drawer this morning.” Mr. Tweak answered with a smile. “Luckily we had extra boxers handy for you. We even got copies of your favourite patterns!”

Jimmy’s eyes went to the Tweaks just in time to see Mrs. Tweak, who was looking almost annoyed, shoot a look at Mr. Tweak, who was smiling mischievously. The man didn’t seem even remotely concerned about what had happened; and it occurred to Jimmy that Mr. Tweak had gotten to the basement surprisingly quickly.

For that matter, why would they have extra underpants for Tweek stashed away?

His reporters mind was coming up with a hundred questions. Had Mr. Tweek just played a prank on them? Did they really just fight each other last night? And what was Craig’s real reason for helping Tweek out like this? Was it at all possible that Craig, solid, constantly in trouble, strongman Craig…liked Tweek? As in, _LIKED Tweek_?

His eyes fixed on Tweek and Craig, trying to analyze their body language. One thing was certain, Jimmy could never report on this now! This was all suddenly way too personal.

After breakfast, the boys went back to the basement to reorganize the boxes and get dressed. Tweek shyly asked if they wanted to play a board game while they waited for their parents to pick them up; Token and Clyde went with him to pick one out, but Jimmy caught Craig’s arm. Craig looked at him curiously, but Jimmy saw his eyes flip up to Tweek as the other boys went upstairs.

“I thought of s-s-s-s-s-I thought of s-s-something.” Jimmy started, trying to figure out how to bring this up. “Do you think…Mr. Tweak. He got d-d-d-downstairs pretty q-quickly. Do you think the gnomes are r-r-real? Or was that j-j-just a prank on us?”

Craig seemed to think about that. “I don’t know. There was SOMETHING down here running around.”

Jimmy nodded. “Well, even if we l-lost it w-w-was still an awesome sleepover.”

“Yeah.” They fist-bumped.

Jimmy took a deep breath. “Craig?”

“Yeah?”

_Are you gay? Do you have a crush on Tweek?_ The words were right on the tip of his tongue, but Jimmy couldn’t do it! As much as he wanted to know the truth, he couldn’t ask Craig. It was too personal, even for them. Still, he made a mental note to make supportive comments about gay guys in front of Craig from now on.

“I’m glad T-t-tweek’s our friend now, he’s p-p-p-he’s pretty c-cool.”

“Yeah.” Craig nodded, his eyes going upstairs again as Tweek and the others reappeared.

Jimmy smiled softly. This was one secret he’d keep to himself.

Tweek stood in the door, waving goodbye as his friends drove off. Finally he went back inside, still smiling. His parents were waiting for him.

"Did you have fun, sweetheart?" His mom asked.

Tweek nodded. "Yeah, even though we lost to the gnomes."

"You'll get them next time." His dad told him, grinning. "They'll want their revenge soon enough."

"OH JESUS AAAAAAHHHHH!"


End file.
